How to File Your First Motion: Don’t Forget the Fine Print
By Cornelius P. Shucks, Esq. (probably)
So, you’ve decided to represent yourself again. Brave. Or reckless. Either way, step one is learning that courts (and occasionally websites) like things to be properly filed. That means forms, signatures, and yes… sometimes little add-ons at the end of addresses.
The Motion to Append
In legalese, an “appendix” is something you file at the end. On the internet, an “appendix” is something you tack on with a question mark. For example, if you were filing a motion to access the firm’s retainer, you wouldn’t just walk in the front door.
Why Bother?
Much like a well-timed objection, appending the right phrase gets you admitted where otherwise you’d be shown the door. No password, no access. Suddenly you’re in chambers with the judge.
Final Advice
Always keep your arguments brief… and your cases briefcased. And never forget: the last word matters just as much as the first. Especially when it follows a question mark.
How to Represent Yourself in Court: Step 1, Buy a Briefcase
By Cornelius P. Shucks, Esq. (allegedly)
So you’ve decided to represent yourself in court. Bold move. Some might say reckless. We say: fashionable.
Before you memorize Latin (*ipso facto, habeas burrito*), before you binge five seasons of legal drama, before you even ask “what’s a subpoena?” ...you need one thing: a briefcase.
Why a Briefcase?
Honestly, the briefcase is the lawyer’s Excalibur. Without it, you’re just a person in business casual. With it, you’re an attorney-at-law. Judges respect it, juries admire it, bailiffs fear it. The contents are optional; the click is mandatory.
Use your briefcase to carry anything you like:
loose spaghetti 🍝, a single copy of The Da Vinci Code, a family of hamsters (not recommended), or absolutely nothing at all. The important part is that it swings meaningfully and clicks shut with authority.
Make eye contact with your briefcase like it’s your co-counsel.
Practice the confident ka-CHUNK close at least three times.
Never apologize to a briefcase. It senses fear.
Steps (Highly Questionable, Mildly Effective)
Carry it like you mean it. Preferably in slow motion through double doors. When people hear that metallic ka-CHUNK sound, they know you mean business. Or at least… paperwork.
Keep a repertoire of legal-sounding phrases on standby: “motion to vibe,” “ex parte nachos,” and the timeless classic, “approach the bench but with jazz hands.” Confidence is ninety percent of law. The other ten is snacks.
Shout “OBJECTION!” whenever uncertain. Bonus points if you object to yourself. Triple points if your briefcase objects back.
Bonus Puzzle for the Sharp‑Eyed 🕵️♂️
Look carefully at the first letter of every paragraph above. (Ignore this one… unless you shouldn’t.)
“Due process? More like DUE PUZZLE.”
Vg’f abg gur ynetr fcnpr, ohg gur fgnpx bs frperg: GUR FRNEPU VF HAQRE GUR TERRA BC.
Closing Argument
Representing yourself is hard. But with a briefcase, a dramatic entrance, and the raw courage to yell “OBJECTION” at a potted plant, you’re already halfway there.
And if all else fails? Call Shucks & Sons. We’ll bring two briefcases.